Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
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Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I can also cook 😂
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.