Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically