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“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
A great tip. #CakeRex
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Wikigenius
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk