Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I think my mom just blocked me
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.