[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*seductively corrects your posture*
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.