Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me