Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*