I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE