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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.