Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list