My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I have never related to a cat more
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’ve had worse
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe