I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
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How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
They’re on their honeymoon
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses