– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
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Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Netflix: We have Less
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Every damn time
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Going to church you guys need anything
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
There are no pants in heaven.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan