Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
The devil.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.