Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.