[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Ken is short for chicken
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock