Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.