[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
You Might Also Like
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”