Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: