Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
i meant to share this earlier
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”