Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Real House Wines.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I don’t make the rules sorry
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito