My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
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Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Cheer up.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
what my late-night hot pocket sees