Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
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recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?