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My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.