Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
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My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Fidel Castro was alive?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?