Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*