More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH