“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
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Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
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Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?