Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
why I oughta
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
This is my favorite one of these!
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops