Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
You Might Also Like
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.