Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
my lower back watching me try to live my life