PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
me opening up to someone
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.