wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
You Might Also Like
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
According to math, I’m broke
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes