My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
No Google it does not
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up