Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool