I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
You Might Also Like
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.