It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
You Might Also Like
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan