I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.