Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING