There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
doing your own taxes
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Meeeee too!
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…