No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*