Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
You Might Also Like
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Guys, I found it.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.