Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.