ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
and this one
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.