[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
You Might Also Like
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*jingles half the way*
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit