If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?