Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
In space, no one can hear…
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”