never compromise your values
You Might Also Like
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“A little help here, Danny?”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
This is a sub tweet
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.