Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.