Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit